Anaïs Nin Philosophy

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I simply adore her writings. It always speaks to me somehow. Back in her days (early 1900’s), rarely you can find a woman who would be able to break all the rules, both in literature and in life. Truly an icon of modern feminism.

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Why I will never be your “other-half”

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I am not your other half and I will never be your other half. I’m not looking for my other half because I am not half. I am not a broken piece. I am whole. I don’t need anyone to complete me because I’m already complete. I don’t need anyone to complement me nor do i have any intentions on complementing anyone else because I believe that everyone can only complete themselves and if you actually depend on someone else to do that for you, then you will never be happy with yourself.

I don’t want you nor do i need you to fix myself or my flaws. You either accept me for who I am or don’t accept me at all. I too have to understand that you will never be perfect. Whatever you are is all I accept from you. I don’t need more from you nor do I need any less. It’s either I’m with you or I’m not, no matter the circumstances, no matter the difficulties.

If one day I decide that I can no longer accept you and our circumstances, please let me go. I too will let you go in the path you wish to take, because this is your life. I don’t believe in “our life” because in the end we are responsible for our own life choices. You don’t rent your life from others who demand your loyalty and sacrifice.

The reason why I am saying this is because I have spent too long in my life being controlled by other people and blaming other people for the bad things that happened to me. However the best day of my life happened when i realized and decided that my life is my own. No excuses, no apologies, no expectations from others except from myself. My past and circumstances may have influenced who I am, but I am responsible for who I become. And I hope you too understand that.

——

Background:

I hear it all the time when people refer their significant others as their “other half”. I don’t like this phrase and I don’t believe in it either. I mean who cares right? Why am I making a simple cute thing complicated? Well, because I care. I find it somehow a derogatory term for yourself and for your significant others. You may think that I am a bitter person, but I’m actually not. lol.

2 years and a few months later

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I was just going through my blog and there was this one post on January 2015 where I wrote that I actually was letting go of my dreams… I wrote that I was drawing the line, that if I didn’t get the job in Dubai maybe this isn’t for me… 

I still somehow can’t believe that 1 year after I wrote that post I actually ended up here in Dubai… I guess it just shows you how God always has a plan up his sleeve… And sometimes you have to let go before you can actually get what you want… And that if something is really meant for you it will eventually end up making its way back to you…

Now… I have never been grateful for this opportunity and time flies so fast that I can’t believe it’ll be 2 years very soon for me to be here in Dubai… I have learned so much… This place is a major learning curve for me and now I realize something… That I can never imagine myself doing anything else other than this… I am a zoo person and all my life that’s all I will ever want to be… Even if one day I leave Dubai… I will eventually find a place where I get a chance to keep working with zoo animals… Be it not a curator, maybe back as an animal keeper, or even a tour guide…. I don’t fucking care anymore… Because in the end it’s not about the money… It never was about the money…. It was about doing something you were actually born to do. And for me, I grew up with so many dreams… Hell my parents gave me a name which means “dreams” in polish, so dreaming about my future was mostly what I would do when I was a kid… Be it an astronaut, musician, writer, doctor, whatever…. All of that doesn’t matter anymore to me now….

At one point I was so focused on my music that I was so obsessed with making it big in the music industry…. I became over involved in bands and performances… But you know what I realized? It was that I never really could commit my all to it… The biggest percentage of commitment was 80%. There was this 20% of me that was still looking for other life choices…

But now… I see it now… My commitment is 100%… I no longer care that I am doing so much overtime for my work… I don’t care that even sometimes I’m spending my own money to accomplish my work…. I don’t mind having to work 2 weeks non stop… Of course I’ll be exhausted but a good sleep is good enough for me…. I realize that… this is it. This is my place.

As a person who has been travelling most of my life, I’ve always wondered and searched for some kind of stability… But we all know that stability does not and will never exist… However, I finally found something that I can actually hold on to this time…. No more commitment issues, no more trying to live up to other people’s standard… This time, it’s just me, and I’m doing exactly what I want to do.

Thank you God for everything.

What I learned from ”He’s Just Not that Into You” || 「そんな彼なら捨てちゃえば?」から何を学びましたか?

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That’s right, even at 30 I still find myself getting brokenhearted. The difference between getting brokenhearted in your 20’s from your 30’s is that this time around I found that I console myself by watching this movie and reading the book as a self reminder to move on.

30歳ですが、今も失恋するのことをできます。
でも20歳の失恋と30歳の失恋は違うです。
前へ進むのために、「そんな彼なら捨てちゃえば?」の映画を見てこの本も読みます。

I’m attempting to translate everything into Japanese as well if you haven’t noticed.

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「男はジャークなら、その男はあなたのことが好きです。」
その方法を考えることをおしえられました。

not+everyone+is+going+to+want+your+energy

すべての人があなたの気持ちを頂くとか頂きたいとか頂くことを分かることはないです。分かれそして前へすすめ。

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どうして女はそんなことしたの?
男の物事を想像して誠を受け入れません。

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大事なルールがあります。
忙しいは大量破壊の武器です。 いい言い訳ですね。実は、彼があなたに連絡するために十分気にしません。
男は望んでいるもののために、決して忙しくないです。

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ジジ: どうする?あたしを好きではない男から逃げるべきですか?
アレクス: そうです。
ジジ: それであたしのために誰もいませんでしょう?

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あなたがいないなら寂しいな男があったら、幸せになることはありません! 実は、彼は寂しいだえるべきです。あなたがいないなら寂しでなければなりません。 彼は変わらなかった。いつまでも彼はあなたと別れた人です。 覚えているよ。彼が毎日あなたと一緒にしないことを選びましたから寂しいです。

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男はあなたの電話番号をとる代わりにあなたに電話番号をあげたら、あなたのことが好きじゃないです。それで男はあなたがあいたいならやっぱりあなたに会います。

crappy

バカ元カレと別れましたから、安心している人がいます。

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男はあなたのことを気にしませんように振る舞えば、あなたのことを気にしません。

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時々、自分のヒーローになることがはずです。自分の小さい心を助けろ。 なしでは生きていけない人はあなたなしで生きることができます。

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あたしの気持ちと遊ばないで。

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パートタイムの人がいらないです。あたしのとなりにいるかいないか選んでください。 あたしの人生に行ったり来たりしないで。

10-Hes-Just-Not-That-Into-You-quotes

あたしと結構しなかったら、優しい人にならないでください。

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彼はあなたから消えましたら、あなたのことがすきでわないです。
さらに、自分で自分の心を直してください。

And the last two, I can’t really attempt to translate into Japanese… So I’ll just let it be….

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and last but not least…..

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And the confusion continues… my most galau post

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Life is about the decisions you make. However, no matter what your decision is, in the end we can’t walk out from other people who needs you. Life is not always about living for yourself, but sometimes it is living for other people as well. No matter how hard we try, in the end it is really up to God to decide our paths. And our decision has and always will be our own leap of faith. Deciding something, and hoping that no matter what struggles it takes you to, you will always end up where you want to be. Life is full of opportunities. It really is. And these opportunities aren’t hard to find. However, deciding between opportunities are hard. What seems to be the best decision for other people might be a decision you just have to compromise with. Living, making ends meet.

Sometimes I wish I was ordinary, but I know I am not. Sometimes I wish I was more simple, but I know I never will be. I wish I wasn’t a dreamer trying to constantly search for something, but that’s just not me. I wish I was a person who could openly accept the things in front of me, but I’m not. Maybe I’m ungrateful, I know many think of me like that. Why is it that I cannot accept the thing that is right in front of me? Why is it that I always go out of my way to defy everything that’s in front of me? Why can’t I just settle? Why can’t I have a simpler dream? Why do I always complicate things? Why do I always complicate myself?

The truth is, as I was searching for the answer of why I always leave. Why do I always leave?

Maybe, it is because there is nothing keeping me here. But in fact, there are things that should keep me here yet at the same time I always feel like these things were not as important as finding my own purpose in life. Have I become the most egocentric person in the world? I want something, yet in the end is it really what I want? Or am I just trying to find a reason to escape or run away?

最初の日本語のブログ投稿!My first Japanese Blog Entry

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今日は日本語で書きます。実は、たぶんこれから日本語で書きに始めます。これは日本語を改善することです。インドネシアで日本語を練習するのことをできません。日本語で誰にも話すことができません。日本語を使わなかったら、無くせると思います。小さいころフランス語を勉強したけど、もう10年間以上使わなかった。それから今フランス語を覚えてません。

大事なものは興味そして仲間たちです。インドネシアで、日本が好きな人はたくさんです。インドネシア人は日本のアニメとドラマが好きです。それから、日本の分割と日本語も好きです。それは日本語を勉強するの為に大事です。さらに、今私はもう30さいですから、若い人たちより一所懸命に頑張ります。

どうして私日本語が勉強したいの?分かりますけど、小さいころ私はアニマを見た、漫画を読みました。その時は私の経験の始まりました。それでは日本語を勉強に始まりました。さらに、日本の女性の話し方を聞いたら、可愛くて優しいそう聞こえます。”あ、日本の女性たちのように話したい”そう思います。バカじゃない?

とにかく昨日私は日本語能力試験4級をうごきました!よろしければわかりません。今朝私の具合が悪いから、テストをしながらちょっと眠いました。やばい!あのテストの業績は9月に通知します。失敗知ったら、12月にもう一同うごきます。いつまでも頑張って絶対に諦めない。実はテストの前に1月ぐらいしか勉強しませんでした!短い時でしょ?私の友達「シャビラさん」が教えてくれました。5会議にいろいろことが教えてくれました。ありがとうシャビラさん!あの人は最高の先生です! すべてものは忘れたくありませんから、今から日本語で書きます。

私の日本語はまだよくありません、それは知っています。でも私はもっと勉強したい。もっと気持ちを表したいです。

間違いことがあったらすみません!

コメントは感謝します!

それじゃまた今度!


Today I will be writing in Japanese. Actually, maybe from now on, I will try to write in Japanese. This is so I can improve my Japanese skills. Because here in Indonesia, I cannot practice talking to anyone in Japanese, and I feel like all the Japanese language I have learned until now will be useless and disappear if I don’t use it. Much like when I was learning French when I was very young, but since I do not use it anymore, it has disappeared. I realized that the key is motivation and the people and things that are around you. Here in Indonesia, I have exposure to Japanese language and culture that I think it will be helpful in my learning process. But I also realized that if I don’t try hard, then I will not improve. Because I want to learn Japanese, and because maybe because I am already 30 years old, I think I have to try 2 or 3 times harder than others.

So why do I want to learn Japanese? I am not sure, but since I was young I have been reading many manga and watching many anime. Since then I began to like Japan. After that, I heard about Japanese music, dramas and films. Then I began to learn about the culture and food and language. I really like the language. I think it is a very beautiful language. When Japanese women speak, it sounds very lively, cute and polite at the same time. That’s why I want to be able to speak like that someday too. Sounds like a very stupid reason right? Haha…

Anyway yesterday I took the JLPT N4 exam and but I’m not sure if I did well. Yesterday morning I was feeling very sick and I have a very bad cold, so during the exam I was very sleepy. The results will come out in September, but I was thinking what if I failed? Then after 5 minutes, I thought if I failed I will retake the test again in December. I guess if that’s what you really like, you cannot give it up, even if you fail 100 times.  But honestly, I was only learning for 1 month before the exam, so I had my friend give me a short course. Only 5 sessions, but since she is a good teacher, I learned a lot in such a short period of time. That’s why, because I don’t want to loose the knowledge that she gave me, I will start to write in Japanese.

I know my Japanese is not so good, but I want to keep learning and I want to be able to express myself more in Japanese.

Sorry if there are any mistakes.

Comments / Inputs are appreciated!

See you next time!

JSeries Festival in Jakarta [6 June 2015]

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So yesterday I attended the J-Series Festival in Jakarta, Indonesia. The festival is actually a big deal since it has been held in Thailand for two years beforehand. Since Indonesia has a long history of diplomatic relations, there’s often Japan festivals held in Indonesia, Jakarta especially. Other than that, there is a huge Indonesian fan base for almost every popular mainstream Japanese artist. This time around, there was the JSeries Festival which is dedicated to promote Japanese Dramas and entertainment. The ticket was free yet limited to around 500 people only, so by the first 2 days of registration, it has all been booked. Funny thing though is that they didn’t really promote this event, so if my fellow ‘I no Arashi’ (Arashi fan club in Indonesia) members didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have known about it. So on the first day registration was open, I was lucky enough to get a ticket. My sister who wanted to register as well was 2 days late and there we no tickets left. Since the main guests in this event is Furukawa Yuki and Kiritani Mirei. But there were other stars such as Valshe, Dolls Element and AKB48’s local sister group, JKT48. On the day, the door opened at 2, but I got there at around 1.30 and the place was already packed! The die hard Furukawa Yuki fan club was there since morning and were using modified ‘Damn, I love Indonesia!’ t-shirt’ that read ‘Damn, I love Furukawa Yuki!’. The event was held in UpperRoom, Annex Building, Jakarta. Since I got there quite late, I had no choice but to get the back seats. Damn. But here I was excited to go in!

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The event started at around 3 PM. The door actually was said to open by 2.00 PM, but since by 1.00 PM it was quite chaotic, they opened the door at 2.30 PM. The event started off by using an animated hologram of an anime girl as a host. After that, they showed a series of promotional videos of Japanese Dramas hosted by Indonesian students currently studying in Japan. This was before any guest stars arrived. So for about 30 minutes they showed clips of various top rated doramas, among them are: Hana Yori Dango and Itazura na Kiss: Live in Tokyo 2 (which received the most hysterical applauses). I’m guessing because of MatsuJun and Furukawa Yuki. After the series of clips ended, it was time to introduce the main hosts which were an Indonesian MC, Ocha, and a Japanese MC who speaks Indonesian very fluently, Hiroaki Kato. They then welcomed the main guests, of course, Furukawa Yuki and Kiritani Mirei, for the talkshow. So here are what I remembered regarding the questions and answers they had for the guests during the talk show:

picture from @kataelza instagram

picture from @kataelza instagram

MC: Kiritani-san and Furukawa-san, is this your first time in Indonesia?
Kiritani: This is my first time in Jakarta, however I have been to Bali once for a photoshoot for my photobook.
Furukawa: This is my second time in Jakarta, my first time was for a movie audition. [currently wondering what movie Furukawa auditioned for, and did he get the part or not?? My guess is probably The Raid or Killers which has been released a few years back]

MC: Please tell us what are your impressions on Indonesia, and what is the thing you like most about Indonesia?
Kiritani: I really like the food! Especially, mee goreng (fried noodles). It’s really delicious! At first, I was really surprised actually that people in Indonesia know me. When I was walking down the street yesterday, somebody called out my name and I was surprised. It really makes me feel like I must work harder through my dramas. I’m really thankful and happy to meet fans in Indonesia.
Furukawa: Yappari, the food is the best. I really like sate (beef/chicken skewers). I’m also really surprised because when the VTR was showing all the promotional videos of the dramas, they were cheering really loud. It means that they must be really open to Japanese dramas.

photo from @upperroomjakarta

photo from @upperroomjakarta

MC: What kind of dramas do you like?
Kiritani: I really like romance dramas [audience cheers loudly, mostly the girls]. Right??
Furukawa: I like suspense dramas.

MC: Have you ever faced any difficulties in playing your roles? and why?
Kiritani: I think, when I was doing Shinigami-kun, I had to play a really tough and mean person, and that was tough for me. So I had to keep studying and practicing to get the role right.
Furukawa: Usually I don’t really face any difficulties. However, when I was playing in Itazura na Kiss, it was hard because my partner was a beautiful girl and there were a lot of kissing scenes.

picture from @yohanastefi instagram

picture from @yohanastefi instagram

MC: What kind of role do you want to play in the future?
Kiritani: Since I’m 25 right now and I will be 26 soon, I would really like to play a more mature role, such as a mother or a tough office employee.
Furukawa: I’ve always been playing a student role, so I would like roles that are a little more mature. I want to play in a detective series, or play a villain. [audience goes ooh…]

MC: Do you want to play in an Indonesian drama?
Kiritani: Of course if I get the opportunity to do something like that, I would like to play in an Indonesian drama.
Furukawa: I’ve always wanted to work outside of Japan, so if I get a chance to work in an Indonesian drama, I will do it.

MC: So lastly, please tell us, why should we watch Japanese dramas?
Kiritani: There are so much variety of Japanese dramas, so it is suitable to be watched by anyone, and there is always a drama that is suitable for all age groups. I think also in Japanese dramas, you not only learn about the story but there are many things you can grasp from Japanese dramas, such as moral lessons.
Furukawa: Same thing. There is a variety of Japanese drama for everyone and you can definitely learn something from these dramas. So, please keep watching Japanese dramas!

MC: Oh, Furukawa-san, it seems you can speak English quite well if we’re not mistaken… [audience cheers for him to say something in English]
Furukawa: [in Japanese] Well I don’t know what to say right now… But since I have spent a long time living in Canada and America, I can speak English quite fluently.

——-

DOLL ELEMENTS picture from @florialiu instagram

DOLL ELEMENTS
picture from @floria_liu instagram

That’s about all I remember regarding the talkshow. I’m pretty sure there are more but I couldn’t record it all in my memories.  After the talkshow, there was a performance by idol group Doll Elements. They sang two songs, one of them is their single Kimi ni Sakura hirari to Mao 君に桜ヒラリと舞う. I’m not really familiar with DOLL ELEMENTS, but it seems they had quite a number of fans in Indonesia. The following day (7th June), they had a meet and greet with fans at the Ambassador Cafe, Jakarta. The next day they mentioned that Indonesia is the first country they’ve been to outside of Japan and they were quite happy with the reception they received here. They were also quite shocked since there are also a lot of female fans in Jakarta so they hear a lot of “Kyaa, kyaa..” while in Japan they hear a lot more of “Oi, oi!” from men.

VALSHE picture from @floria_liu instagram

VALSHE
picture from @floria_liu instagram

Valshe was also there and sang 2 songs, one of them was Butterfly Core, quite popular and well known as the theme song for Detective Conan. During her preformance I was so much in awe. Her voice and performance was amazing and there were so many fans waving their uchiwas in the air following the beat of her music. She also tried very hard to speak in Indonesian the whole time during her time onstage, and she forgot some words and some fans were saying “Ganbatte!”. I really liked Valshe’s performance during the event. It was probably the best out of the three. I have to note this was VALSHE’s very first overseas appearance and I am so happy and proud to hear that! There were quite a number of her die hard fans who brought banners that read: “VALSHE, Welcome to Indonesia!”. stage, and she forgot some words and some fans were saying “Ganbatte!”. I really liked Valshe’s performance during the event. It was probably the best out of the three. I have to note this was VALSHE’s very first overseas appearance and I am so happy and proud to hear that! There were quite a number of her die hard fans who brought banners that read: “VALSHE, Welcome to Indonesia!”.

AKB48 picture from @jenijenihoo instagram

JKT48
picture from @jenijenihoo instagram

And after the two artists’ performance we had the performance of AKB48’s sister group in indonesia, JKT48. My personal opinion, I am quite happy with JKT48’s appearance in Indonesia as the first overseas sister group of AKB48. Cause at a time when K-pop is dominating Asia, J-pop is still dominating in Indonesia and JKT48 somehow bridged that gap between Indonesia and Japan. JKT48 sang a total of 4 songs and Indonesian rendition of the AKB songs Flying Get, Gingham Check, Kokoro no Placard, and Koi Suru Fortune Cookie. They were very energetic to watch! The event then ended by giving away prizes, and it turns out the lucky winners had envelopes under their seats! Unfortunately I did not get anything, but 2 seats beside me and behind me, a guy and a girl got signatures of Furukawa Yuki. There were also prizes from sponsors such as tshirts from Olive des Olive and mascot dolls from 5 Japanese television stations: Domo-kun from NHK TV, Rafu-kun from Fuji TV, Go-chan from Asahi TV, BooBo from TBS and Banana from TV Tokyo. So the lucky winners who got the mascots got the chance to take pictures with Furukawa Yuki, Kiritani Mirei, Dolls Element, Valshe and JKT48.

ENCORE photo from @yesicachorine instagram

ENCORE
photo from @yesicachorine instagram

Well, that’s about all the reviews I have and it was quite exciting to be there! Here are some photos from after the event:

photo from @yohanasteffin instagram

photo from @yohanasteffin instagram

from @kinaljkt48 twitter

photo from @kinaljkt48 twitter

Furukawa Yuki Fans Club in Indonesia picture from @pvrmv instagram

Furukawa Yuki Fans Club in Indonesia
picture from @pvrmv instagram

VALSHE with her fans after the festival. Picture from @othamona instagram

VALSHE hanging out with her fans after the festival.
Picture from @othamona instagram

JKT48 meets Dolls Element picture from @jenijenihoo instagram

JKT48 meets Dolls Element
picture from @jenijenihoo instagram